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Crap You'll Never Need

Lately I've seen quite a few blog posts about all the best running gear, the fuel beloved by blogger x and the new tank top that is to die for.

Cool, except I don't care. No, that's not true. Not entirely true, anyway. I get that people want to share their favorites, but sometimes it's not all that relevant because people are so individual. Those tank tops I love? They probably wouldn't even cover up your chesticles. The gummy chews I can't have a long run without? Maybe they give you chronic diarrhea. You just don't know. So instead, I present to you.... all the crap you absolutely should never buy. Ever.

The Ab-Hancer: In fairness I'm 99% positive that this is a joke, but still. I get it if crunches are too much, but don't use this to separate the fat in your stomach into ab-shaped segments. Too far. 

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The Slender Shaper: From what I can tell this is a vibrating diaper. You put it on over your butt, it's incredibly bulky and expensive and then it shakes. I had no idea you could just make random stuff and say you're an inventor. This is priced at $120! (And then S&H, obvs.)

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My SWIH: You know the product is going to be bad when the name isn't even a word. SWIH stands for "So What, It's Hot!" which convinces me that Paris Hilton was somehow involved in the marketing process. It's a headband with a hole in the back for your...full water bottle. Because that's not awkward at all.

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And since this post is all random, all the time...I figured I would throw this video in there too. This is for everyone who just doesn't get the appeal of a relay race. Enjoy.





Anything to contribute here? Any "Seen on TV" style products you would like to ridicule?
I'm going to be honest and say I'm a sucker. About half of these things I see on TV I think are interesting, even if I never buy them.

 

Comments

  1. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

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  2. HA!! That video is hilarious.

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  3. I had to stop at "chesticles".

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  4. Hahahahahaha...I have to share that video with my Reach the Beach relay team.

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  5. The headband is my favorite! That's hilarious.

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  6. I scrolled rapidly and thought you were actually modeling the water-bottle headband.

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  7. I can't believe that water bottle holder is for real! how are you supposed to drink from it?!
    and I think people just review clothes and stuff b/c they get them for free to do so? I've never seen people do it just for fun? have you??

    lol chesty ;)

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  8. ha ha Yeah I agree with Ali, they're getting free shit so they have to blab about it and that is fine, but I know my rolos won't be looking too fine in that tank top. That headband is nuts. I also read a blog where the person recommended tucking your bottle in the back of your bra. Equally nuts.

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  9. Love it. I was cracking up!!

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  10. Wait that headband must be a joke! Hahha

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  11. Chesticle was my friends' nickname for me in high school. (I WISH I were kidding.) Thanks for bringing THAT back.

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  12. Ali, I have revied a couple of things on my food blog just because I love them and didn't get any product etc for them.

    These are hilarious, Vanessa!

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  13. How do you even find this stuff? I need to invent some crap so I can quit teaching!

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  14. Love those! i saw the water bottle headband in a magazine like shape or fitness onces and cracked up!

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  15. Wow! These products are hilarious. Usually I'm a sucker for the ones that make sense but these....wow. Hahah!

    The best one I've seen is the Fart Blanket. It's specifically made for couples and it's made of some military grade material that absorbs smells. Comfarter. hahah. Google it. It's real. I saw the infomertial on ESPN. Couldn't stop laughing.

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  16. OH that Ab Enhancer is just nasty...

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  17. Hahaha... I saw the ab enhancer pic floating around on facebook so I had to post it on my bf page and tell him I found the perfect gift for him haha.

    What's sad is i've seen the add for the headband water bottle holder in Runner's World!

    My coworkers and I have been trying to invent something to get rich quick and never have to work again... we are still brain storming (as I write this from my desk at work)

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  18. There was an episode on Mad Men with something similar to the slender shaper. Great episode.

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  19. OMG I AM DYING watching that video! I run Hood to Coast every year and its pretty much describing that:) yes, we are a crazy breed, us runners!

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  20. Okay I don't know what's worse - those "must have" items or that video you just made me watch! That headband thing is just insane and looks like the most awkward and uncomfortable thing ever! I've seen the ab device before...weird that it gives someone like 24 abs though. Why wouldn't they just make it so the boxes are in the front?! Why even make such a contraption AT ALL?! So strange!

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  21. I love that the headband ad says it's "perfect for running." Haha, yeah that looks comfortable to run in.

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  22. I saw that Ab Enhancer thing the other day and it made me laugh out loud - that thing is ridiculous! And CONGRATS ON hood to coast! Your video was awesome and hilarious. I can't wait to meet you in real life!

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  23. The video is funny! I love the part where she asks if they get paid to run and he says no. I am running a relay next weekend and my boyfriend was aghast that I had to pay even though we raised money for it AND were sponsored.

    Non-runners don't understand. My grandmother asked me how far the marathons that I was running were. I told her, naturally, that "the marathons" were all different distances (I had just run a 5k).

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  24. The water bottle head band model looks like she's thinking "what the fuck am I wearing?"

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  25. this is the best blog on the internet and this is the best friday of my life. i love you, vanessa.

    i really like the female version of the ab hancer. my boyfriend is always telling me he wishes there were more bulging pockets of fat on my stomach of the same precise dimension and geographic shape. finally, a product that works for me!

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  26. Haha thank you, a great pick me up for finals week!

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  27. I saw that water bottle headband in runners world! Anywhere else and I would have thought it was a joke. Looks like a SNL skit!

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  28. Oh my gosh! That is some crazy stuff right there! Wow!

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